Link Drives Samus Insane
by batman100
Summary: A typical day in the mansion involves a certain blond warrior driving a certain female bounty huntress bananas. Chaos ensues also when Master Hand installs a new alarm system. Rated M for mild crazy violence and some language. LinkXSamus


**Link Drives Samus Insane by Batman100**

**AU: This is my first SSB fanfic. So… anywho, after getting some ideas from DeviantArt, and browsing UK's (Underworld King) fic Steel n' Blade, I kinda thought how hilarious- AND silly it would be if Samus was trying to get a night's rest and Link kept driving her crazy. **

It was a quiet Thursday evening at the Smash Mansion, and practically the whole manor was quiet. Most of all the Smashers were either duking it out on the melee zones, training in the simulator, watching the Knicks game, or just loitering around town to cause insanity. All except for a certain bounty huntress and a warrior elf having a quiet, joyful dinner.

"Mmm, this Hyrulian mango soup is delicious! And the salt's good!" Samus replied, licking her lips in amusement. Link did a double take on the salt

"Uh, Samus. That's not salt… that's melted butter." Link sheepishly winced. Samus' eyes bugged out, and with a regurgitating gasp, spat out the liquid of digested soup and it went flying out the doors of the kitchen…

"What the… AAAAAGGGHHHH! I'M COVERED IN BLOOD! WITH WHITE SAND DUST!" Marth screamed hysterically, running around the manor halls, absentmindedly tripping over an irate Ganon in the process

"Watch where you're going, you stinking jackass!" Ganon roared, rolling his eyes and grumbling "One of these days, I'm gonna castrate the living shit outta that bonehead!"

Link and Samus stood there, eyes wide open after witnessing the rather bizarre commotion and soon after, a loud guttural roar, followed by more loud ear-piercing screams which were from you guessed it, SSB's fave butt monkey: Marth

"HEY! I am NOT a monkey!" Marth snapped, unaware that Donkey Kong had heard him, and the big ape was not very pleasant about people insulting his nature.

"What did you just say, wise guy?" DK roared, cracking his knuckles. "Fu…" Marth gasped before Link and Samus could here sounds of bashing and a window smashed

"Gee, I didn't expect all of **that** to happen. Guess everyone was a bit too stressed from all the tournaments." Link muttered as he and Samus entered their apartment. Samus yawned, got into bed, closed her eyes and began to snore "Get that horse carriage, Peach… mmm, I need my tiara." Samus mumbled as she snored

"If you're gonna do that, at least not while I'm practicing my oricana. I have to practice for my Oricana performance of Ein Klecht Nacktmusich by Mozart tomorrow." Link grunted, brandishing his oricana. Samus was too busy enjoying herself in dreamland, so the bounty hunter's snoring and dreaming cut off Link's offer.

A few minutes later….

"Don't get that pizza Luigi…Mario has the treasure." Samus muttered in her sleep as a wide-eyed Link, with a goofy, ridiculously immature grin plastered on his face snuck up near the slumbering galactic hunter. Samus extended her left arm for her plush brown teddy bear but accidentally grabbed Link by the neck instead.

"Eep!" Link gasped in a high-pitched squeak. Samus smiled before snoring and rolling over to the second half of her bed, Link still in her grip

_This is so embarrassing. Since when the hell do __**I**__ put personal security item in my qualifications? _Link grumbled to himself, as Samus continued talking about space pirates and treasure in her sleep. Link could very easily notice the small pint of drool forming from Samus' lip as she snored

Before Link could make his move, Samus muttered something incoherently and dropped Link to the carpet, gasping for air. All at once, Link dove into the closet and started digging through the inventory boxes, until he found the castanets. Samus then rolled over, sucking her thumb in her sleep

_Hee hee… this is gonna be _so _good…_ Link giggled

Samus was about to snore when the sound of clicking awakened her from the land of blissful slumber. The bounty huntress let out a peaceful yawn and rubbed her eyes before…

HONK HONK BWOOP BWOOP HROOOAARRR! OOK OOK AIK AIK!

"What the hell is all that racket?!" Snake grumpily muttered, sticking his head out the window and hollering "SHUT THOSE FUCKING CAR ALARMS OFF! YOU HEAR ME? I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD RIPPED OFF LIKE IT WAS A DANDELION!"

Samus, having heard the loud rant from the Crimean mercenary, decided that a much less noisier environment would be better for her to continue getting her beauty rest. However, when the blonde beauty opened the door…

BOOP BOOP WREW WREW WEPP OOP HOO HOO SKREEEOONNNKKK

"Mamma Mia! It's a- Godzilla!" Mario and Luigi yelped, the two plumbers dashing by a half-asleep Samus and heading for the elevator. Having decided the car alarms were more of a white noise, Samus plopped on the couch, put her head on the pillow and snored

Meanwhile, in the east wing…

"Master Hand, we need to talk about your so-called emergency alarms. Apparently last night we almost had a large riot when you installed the new 'Horror Stock Sounds' alarms." Lucario calmly addressed the manager of SSB, as an angry, exhausted and near-insomniac roster of Smashers stood behind the Pokemon, Bowser brandishing a giant sized broad axe

"Look, Lucario, the alarms are meant as a common procedure to use when we have drills through the mansion. They don't seem to be that annoying." Master Hand stupidly replied as the eye-twitching on Snake's face grew larger

"Procedure, huh? Well, there's gonna be a procedure as soon as I wring your SCRAWNY MISERABLE NECK, YOU FILTHY ROTTEN BASTARD!" Bowser insanely babbled, laughing maniacally as he took a swing at Master Hand's head, but it missed and sliced off the head of an unfortunate Koopa soldier.

"Wow, you sliced a guy's head off. Oh golly gee, how I **love** to see carnage." Snake sarcastically jeered as Ganon smacked him up the head

"Do us all a favor and shut your freaking yap or I'm gonna rip it off for ya!" Ganondorf snarled. Snake simply whistled carelessly as Ganon grumbled in disgust

"Hey! What the hell was that for?! Why don't you slice off someone else's head and not mine! Creep!" The now-headless Koopa irately grumbled, walking off with his head in the body's arms as the Smashers eyed the koopa king strangely

"Agh, forget it. We aint gonna solve nothing by punching the livin' shit outta each other. Ok fine Master Hand, continue with the procedure. But one more stunt like yesterday… there's gonna be hell to pay." Snake warned, as the Smashers exited the office

"You idiot! Do you have **ANY IDEA** how stupid that idea was?! Your brain must've been shushed after that fight in Final Destination last week!" Bowser growled

"Aw, shaddup. You don't know nothing." Snake hissed as he sauntered off

"I may not look like a genius… but I **do** know trouble when I smell it." Bowser stated

The next night…

"Ooh… Link, you've never been this romantic.." Zelda muttered in her sleep and was about to open her eyes when all of a sudden, a loud ear-piercing siren blared throughout the mansion. Chaos ensued as thousands of Smashers and Assist trophies scrambled like crazy

"RUNNN! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!" Bowser screamed crazily

"THE ALIENS ARE **ATTACCKINGGG!** GO, GET TO THE CHOPPAH!" Marth bellowed hysterically in an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation, blasting his Thompson machine gun like crazy, blasting bullets through the windows

"Hey! Watch it you son of a bitch! These windows aren't that cheap!" A neighbor howled. Marth's eyes went wide with rage as he tossed a grenade into the window. Everyone suddenly froze in shock as the building exploded in a vast plume of fire and all eyes were on Marth

"Nice work, Mr. Grenade Crazy. Now can you cut it out with all the Rambo bullshit and go whup that sumbitch Master Hand for us, capeesh?" Bowser groaned as a dazed, nearly zombie-like Samus stumbled out

"Whoa… I had the weirdest dream that there was this large siren blaring like some missile was about to land, someone started shouting something from Predator, then a building blew up and… **Oh.**" Samus meekly uttered upon realizing the stupidity of her realization and the embarrassed looks on the Smashers' faces

"… You're crazy, you know that?" Bowser muttered exasperatedly. Samus simply giggled like a teenage brothel girl. Marth threw his hands in the air "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit A of the example of how insanity can effect even the most **stoic** and most **elegant** of us in this hellhole!"

"One mans hellhole is another mans paradise." Ness stated. "Please, please shut up before I kill you." Shadow grumpily snarled. Ness immediately complied

"Uh… haven't you been drinking from Ike's beer stash again?" Fox questionably asked. Marth simply babbled an unintelligible phrase and throttled Fox like crazy

"Oh geez, now he's fighting his own goddamn roommate. Now I've seen everything from a to fucking Z! And that aint a no-brainer either!" Captain Falcon uttered

"You and me both brother! Poor Fox, getting the tar and feathers beaten outa him by an inebriated jackass who wears breast panties in spandex when no one's around." Falco agreed then turned to see a very, **very** plastered Ike dancing around a tightpole, singing in gibberish

"Yup, he's drunk all right. See, you can crack a fucking **cock** with this asswipe. C'mon, you mugs lets vamoose before drunk tank over there gets on the sauce again." Snake ordered, the group of Smashers heading in before Snake did a double take "Wait a minute, where the hell's Samus?!"

"_You got to be sincere… if you're sincere, if you feel it here…" _ Samus drunkenly slurred, twirling around a manhole. Snake, with a totally deadpan snarl, grabbed Samus by the neck and chloroformed her. Samus simply sighed happily then planted a large slimy kiss on his mouth.

"One of these days, one of these days… I'm gonna get that Master Hand…" Snake grumbled, walking off as Samus muttered gibberish in her sleep


End file.
